ritual nounDefinition
1: the established form for a ceremony
2: a : ritual observance
b: a ceremonial act or action
c: an act or series of acts regularly repeated in a set precise manner
there is something so calming about a ritual. about routine. it is knowing exactly what to do and when to do it. going through each step, none of them changing. this is something that i’ve pre-determined. this is something that i control entirely in a world that is always deeply out of control.
i keep to many rituals.
every morning, i lay in bed for seventeen minutes and stare at the white wall of my childhood bedroom. i examine the peeling paint on my window sill and burrow my toes into the gap between my bedframe and mattress. i check my texts because i always fall asleep in the middle of texting someone. i (unfortunately and very basically) scroll through twitter. then, i get up.
if it’s a wfh day, i make coffee. i try to read something for an hour. i exist in silence. words escape me, no matter how alert i am. my ‘good morning’s are grunted. my answer to the question of ‘how did you sleep’ is a hum. and then it is ten, and i begin my day job. i turn it all on and i feel somewhat like a human.
if it’s an in-office day, i wake up late—this is ritual too. i hurry my way through getting ready. i am late to every bus, every train, every transfer. my work day technically begins at 10, but it will be 9:57 am and i still find there’s time for a coffee. i arrive in the office at 10:09 am with a ‘oops’. but it is normalized. no one blinks. they laugh and i sit down at my desk and finally put my earrings on. my necklace. i go into the bathroom and do my eyebrows and debate whether to wear this clumpy-ass mascara that tiktok told me was great, but as always, has fucking lied (fuck it, i can vibe with my stubby ass lashes). i’ve brought clinique black honey to the bathroom with me, but i stick it back in my pocket for carmax instead.
and THEN, the work-day begins.
i love routines. rituals. they help me craft who i would like to present myself to the world as. the first layer of who i am. they protect my peace.
i do not keep a writing routine.
writing evades peace. writing evades ritual.
i know some people resonate with writing as communion or a benediction or confession. i do not.
it feels like work. good work, yes, but work nonetheless. and work does not protect my peace. for me, writing has to be something that brings me not only joy but catharsis and cannot be something forced if i don’t feel it. ritualizing writing takes something away from it, for me. it makes it into something that i created because i had to instead of something i wanted to. for me, my work becomes inauthentic.
it took me a long time to decide i felt this way about writing routines and rituals. after all, i’m a highly ritualized person. i know exactly what time my bus comes in the morning. i have a 7-step skincare routine, and i am very particular about the order of my nighttime routine (brush teeth, skincare, moisturize hair) all because i don’t want to rinse my mouth with a hand lathered in lotion or leave-in conditioner, even though i could simply wash my hands in between (even if i do, i will still be convinced that the aftertaste on my tongue is cerave instead of listerine). i’m a pre-planner.
but, all of the advice says to have a writing routine.
use scrivener. use save the cat. use a myriad of complicated outlining apps. write every day or you’ll never grow your craft. write every day or you’ll never finish anything. write every day or you’ll forget how.
i am here to tell you: if you don’t write every day, you won’t forget how to string a sentence together.
i think that we are all so hung up on the exact ‘how’ of creation as a whole, instead of dealing with the fact that there is no real definitive ‘how’. it is an intimate experience, one as intimate as yes, washing your face or brushing your teeth, which makes it yours. for me—i write when i feel like it.
i like to say that i’m a day time writer, but often, i go through periods of needing to write at 11pm. most of the time, i outline. sometimes, i don’t. sometimes, i can write on my couch. sometimes, i can’t be anywhere near my home because all i’ll want to do is play fall guys or the sims 4. i can go months without writing, just to turn in something that might be something (funnily enough that’s what happened with my debut). most importantly, i will ask myself ‘is this really what you want to be doing right now’? if the answer is ‘no’, i don’t, because i am a firm believer that one should cultivate other interests besides writing so that you have something to write about.
this ‘write when i want’ philosophy applies to deadlines too.
on deadline, i will go days without writing. due dates are my bread and butter and as they creep closer, i can feel the adrenaline ramp up, can feel my enthusiasm for my story grow, and i will want to write. i know that sounds oxymoronic, but that’s really how i feel. that’s my process of ‘how’.
and you will make your own ‘how’ too.
FURTHER CONSUMPTION
READING
My Best Friend’s Exorcism by Grady Hendrix
A Lady for a Duke by Alexis Hall
Other People’s Clothes by Calla Henkel
I’m Glad My Mom Died by Jennette McCurdy
WATCHING
The Sandman (Netflix | 2022)
Pretty Little Liars: Original Sin (HBO Max | 2022)
Bodies Bodies Bodies (2022)
"toxic" femininity: what's up with girlbloggers, female manipulators, and femcels? , Mina Le
LISTENING
Renaissance - Beyonce
“Mutual Friend” - Jessie Reyez
“Hot Girl” - Charli XCX
okay, now, before we go, i have to halfheartedly tell you to add my book on goodreads. i am still trying to find a way to be better at talking about this book, i am very anxious about this, but i shall attempt to get over myself.
This read like poetry. Love love it.